Stupid Things Men Say

Unfortunately, when I say “Men” the person I’m referring to is my husband.  Apparently, he has a secret  medical condition that causes him to say stupid things when he is nervous.  I have found there is no way to stop this from happening until he is in mid sentence.  This is when he can usually be stifled by a “look”. Not just any look  by a random person. Those looks don’t even seem to phase him.  The very special look usually has to come from ME.  You know…the one that makes me look equally stupid because by the time he starts to catch on my eyes are bugged out like a Gremlin.


I’ve heard him shout out stupid when talking to friends, in doctor’s offices, or the occasional school meeting.  Those moments can typically be saved quickly but, yesterday he spewed stupid at a whole new level.  The problem is more that I wasn’t there to catch it.  The moment was NOT saved.  If I even had an inkling that this was about to happen I would have been willing to run through the house in only my bra just to stop it.

So, we have some new neighbors that moved in a couple months ago across the street.  They seem like a nice, normal family with 3 clean cut boys.  One is close to Thing 2′s age so, they have been meeting in the front yards to play every so often.  My husband had briefly met the Father just to exchange names since our boy’s seemed to be playing more often.  Neither one of us had met the Mother until yesterday.

Around 7:30 last night we get a ring on the doorbell. (Which is unusual because we are old and already in our pajamas at this late hour.) Thing 2 comes to tell us the entire family from across the street is at the door. We (I) decided my husband better handle this because I just assumed Thing 2 had done something to piss them off.  Every once in a while I get in a mood where “my babies” can never do anything wrong.  I’m aware that this is an irrational way to think but, yesterday was one of those days.  I was already in the mindset that kids will be kids so, I didn’t care to hear anything about my kids except that they are perfect angels. My husband is one of those people that will tell you he is going to “handle this situation” regardless of the crime, verdict or his true intention to “handle it”. I, on the other hand will NEVER fake it to you.  If I think you are being a crazy bitch I will exercise my right to the freedom of speech before you even finish your sentence.

So, this entire family is on our doorstep.  They are here to wish us a Merry Christmas and they are holding cookies and chocolate.  They even went out of their way to throw in an Uber bar because Thing 2 has probably already explained that Mommy will slit someones throat if you try to feed her perfect angels any garbage.

The appropriate thing to say in this situation is “Thank You”!

OR… “This was so nice of you! Merry Christmas to YOU as well!”

OR how about…”I’m so glad to finally meet all of you! Thanks so much for thinking of us!”

NOPE.  None of those things seemed to be at the tip of my husbands tongue.  He felt it was the perfect time to look at the Mother (the WOMAN who just baked for him) and say ” YOU LOOK TIRED!”

Now, I wasn’t there but, I’m assuming for him to come to this conclusion he had to have stared her up & down.  I’m also assuming he already had the plate of baked goods securely in his possession. I’m actually shocked at how well she handled this because I personally would have ripped the plate out of his hands and ran like the wind.  Hell, he might as well said “Girl, you look rough!”  You NEVER tell a woman she looks “tired.”  It’s equal to calling her a trifling Ho!  She might have been having her best hair and makeup day and you pretty much just called her fat AND ugly.

Women are not wired to just accept comments like that.  You know she is plotting right now.  Tired, huh?!  I got your tired Mother F’ER….

I still haven’t met these people but, you can be damn sure they sat around last night discussing equal insults to throw my way for when they do meet me. They might have even made a pact to do whatever it takes at all costs to damage my self esteem a little bit each time they see me.  Now, not only do I have to do damage control by learning how to bake but, I have to shower every day, do my make-up, and try to get a brush through this nappy head of mine.


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  • Kerry

    I just laughed so hard !!! Thanks!! lol

  • Nikki

    Thanks Tiffani! Always feels good to write again! Merry Christmas to you also! Hope the girls are great!!

  • tiffani goff

    So glad to hear your voice Nikki! Merry Christmas! xoxo tiffani