Surviving Motherhood One Defective Day At A Time

This week has been one dysfunction after another as usual.  Today I choose to look at the bright side of things to make every effort to save myself from the embarrassment of becoming the next suburban mommy superstar who loses it so bad on the front lawn that the leaked You Tube video goes viral with 5 million hits before the end of the day.  I guess I’m not really interested in that type of fame anymore.  I know this because I feel like I’ve been doing an excellent job keeping my cool.  In fact, this last week I’ve been a type of calm that can be considered scary or dangerous.  I’m seriously patting myself on the back for the simple fact that I haven’t killed my neighbors little yapping mutt yet.  24 hours a day I try to find a place in my house where I can not hear it bark and have not scored yet!  I have even taken a chair in the pantry for crying out loud.  You can hear this teeny tiny yap-per EVERYWHERE!  Sometimes my husband and I have to go into the garage to talk because we can’t hear ourselves think in our backyard.  The situation is seriously out of control but, my point here is to prove to you that I really am calm.  No one has been injured yet.  I can think of a bunch of dogs (and doctors) who could use a quick punch to the teeth but have refrained from taking it beyond the scenario in my head.  Trust me I deserve a trophy here.

There’s always a lot going on around here.  I used to say I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I lied.  I will take less right now.  Any amount of less would be great.  I don’t seem to remember ordering a extra grande cup of craziness with my Christmas presents this year but, I seemed to get it anyway.  How can one short 7 day week be filled with so many highlights, downfalls, road blocks, and chores?!  I’d like to see proof of purchase.  Otherwise, I’m returning to sender.

These are the highlights of our week.  Some are happy.  Some are sad.  Some are just ridiculous.  But they are all true.

Last week we got the  expanded results of Thing 3′s latest genetic test.  I obviously wasn’t expecting it to be perfect but, I wasn’t expecting it to be 5 pages of gene deletions either.  It turns out the one thing I prayed I wasn’t going to be right about is spelled out pretty clear now.  I’m not as devastated as I thought I would be.  I feel more ninja than devastation because there is a lot of symptoms from those pages that can be prevented and/or TREATED!  I would love to announce that a discussion regarding treatment has already taken place but, that would mean the Doctor has taken the first step by picking up the phone to call me to first discuss the results.  What makes the word “Mitochondria” so scary is that it takes so long to discuss the word “Treatment.”

This week was the first time  since quitting my job that I have really been thankful for making that decision.  I am exactly where I should be. I’m doing exactly what I should be doing.

Holiday preparation came to a screeching halt for a couple days which means I ran around like a crazy person at the very last minute getting everything ready for Thing 3′s class party.  As I was doing this the Hubs agreed to take Thing 2 for his first 10 vials of blood work. While we were doing that nobody volunteered to finish my Christmas shopping or the decorations on my tree for that matter so, the weekend was just a barrel of fun!  I practically had to tie my husband to the back of the Tahoe to get him to brave Walmart with me.  We were already a split second from killing each other when we got to the checkout and he says:

“I don’t have my credit card with me but you can just type in my phone number or something right?”

I honestly thought he was joking but, I looked at him like I wanted to kill him anyway.  I don’t know about this man sometimes because he was NOT kidding.

We finally finished our wrapping at 11:59 pm Christmas Eve.  I couldn’t tell if the next morning was a joke or a nightmare but, it was definitely full of life.  Thing 3 was already overwhelmed when Thing 2 started to get so out of control that he actually started vomiting.  Someone please step up here and tell me your kid gets so hyper they can throw up because that is exactly what happened as we started our day of Christmas cheer!  To say the day lacked self control or any control is an understatement.

The good news is the Christmas tree was decorated thanks to a little guilt trip I laid on Thing 1.  What was even more awesome is that the last time I spied Fred he was saddled up on the nearest reindeer  trying to high tail it out of here!

I thought about joining him but I was too busy planning bribery techniques if Thing 3 would just poop in the dang potty instead of everywhere else.  I have resorted to a treasure box and am no where near ashamed.  Bribery works people.  Bribery works!!

My younger two kids have officially made it an entire week with no gluten, caseine, or soy.  I’m taking a big risk here that they will try to eat each other over the last couple spoonfuls of So Delicious dairy/soy free ice cream.  On the bright side I just learned that the difference in cost between food I would normally buy and food on the diet is TAX DEDUCTIBLE!  Thank Gawd because the price I paid for our first tub of dairy free/soy free butter could have brought me to tears!

I wonder if the class ring Thing 1 talked us into can be considered a loss since….oh yeah……..

SHE HAS ALREADY MISPLACED IT!

Don’t worry.  I have it in a safe place but, when I’m right I’M RIGHT

Another exciting thing that happened this week is not only did we add enough new electronics to the house to blow up the block if we ever get struck by lightning …….we also took THE TV out of the box!!  As you can see TEAM WIFE won!

Thing 3 got a new doll for Christmas and named her “Alana.”  We decided that was enough Honey Boo Boo for this child and cracked open the shiny new TV box but, have yet to figure out the snazzy parental controls that are available.  One baby step at a time.  Yes, that’s Toddlers & Tiara’s on the TV.  Try not to judge!

I think it’s safe to say: I am a survivor.

I AM surviving Motherhood even if it is one defective day at a time!

Thanks so much for stopping by to read my blog.  I hope you all have some great memories of your own from this Holiday season.  Please feel free to share if it’s gonna make me laugh.  If you like my blog please click one of the share buttons and spread the love.  You can also subscribe to receive my blog to your email.  Don’t forget to confirm your subscription.  You will get an email that sometimes goes to bulk.

How was everyone else’s Christmas?  I’d love to hear some of your highlights.